My Life; the Operation

Now I have mentioned in one of my blogs about getting sex re-assignment surgery. I had dreamed about it sincde I was very small. So I can see why some gay people say they were born gay. I don't exactly follow that line of thinking, but we may have been born with a disposition to lean that way out of the many tests the Almighty has put in people's lives. I had been dreaming about being turned into a girl since I read one of my favorite childhood novels, Journey  to Oz, where the main character, Pip I believe, was a princess who had been turned into a boy . by an evil witch to hide her from palace security who was looking for her for she had been kidnapped. The idea just galvanized me and I lived with the hope of one day becoming a woman. Then in later years  I heard about the sex re-assignment surgery going on over seas and I practically jumped for joy!lol I said one day, I will become a 'real' woman! I looked forward to having this dick turned into a pussy, meeting my prince charming and living happily ever after.lol And yes, I was very young when I was daydreaming like this.So I can see why some give creedence to the idea that the Big Guy created them to be gay or they were born gay. But I looked forward to one day going into the women's section of the store and buying my own clothes instead of raiding my aunt's closet when the house was empty or getting those looks from people when I looked at clothes. I looked forward to being able to wear panties and not have to tie my cock down or hide my balls and being able to step into any club or bar and elicit the attention of the men in the place without fear that they would kill my black ass. This joy was shortlived though in the interim of my research. The cost first killed me. And with me unable to earn a decent wage, I was unable to save a good ten dollars a month much less the thousands I would need. Then next, my cover story. How would I explain my childhood my school years and my family. You can't really build a great relationship on lies and then I found that trans-women were murdered quite regularly, by guys who they messed with or were in a relationship with especially if they didn't know they were men before. I've even seen where men involved with trans-women were murdered too. So for my own protection I wasn't going to tell anyone. To come up with a cover story would cost money and would be lying to my to be husband. I hoped once he got to know me he wouldn't care. That was my hope and it was like an 80/20 crapshoot against me. Not very good odds. But it was a moot point being I had no way of raising the money. Had been on my own in the work force for over twenty years and didn't have $100 in my savings account.And even had I not been human and cut out all the other things that I spent money on for pleasure, which there wasn't much for that anyway I still couldn't save half of  Part of it was my own bad habits but the bulk of it is I simply didn't make enough money to put enough aside for it. I was literally struggling to just keep a roof over my heard and food on the table. I was borrowing here and there just to make ends meet and filed bankruptcy several times, not trying to get over, I simply couldn't pay my bills. Before I met my husband I was literally crying every night because I simply didn't know how I was going to make it. And it was just me!! No wife, no kids, just me!! Well when I met my husband from time to time I would cross dress. Not often but I liked to pretend I had gotten my operation. When we met though, I was in normal male clothes. When he suggested I wear a red dress that he had bought for me, at first I was flabbergast then then delighted. I did ask him what made him think I would do something like that?  He would smile and said he didn't! Just was taking a chance.Lol. But when we got together, I mean after we married I told him about my desires. I told him about my longstanding odyssey to become a real woman and have the operation that would give me tits and a pussy and would make me look like I really felt and how it was not to be coz, I just couldn't afford it. Well he offered to pay for it for me (I couldn't believe my ears) just to let him know when. But he also explained to me that he loved me just the way I was and I was already a woman in my heart.Now I was confused coz' I always though I needed that pussy to be a 'real' woman. That's what I had always dreamed of having, that one thing that would make me 'fit in'. So I had to think on it some more being the opportunity was right here and waiting. I struggled with it coz' this was what I had always wanted and I couldn't just walk away. And then I didn't want him to think that I even told him my  sad story trying to get him to pay for it. He said he didn't think that but I wasn't sure.
Well as you know now I didn't get the operation coz my husband was right. I was already a woman in my heart; it just took someone coming along who saw it and appreciated it. Then I've since learned that in this life, if you have to make superficial changes just so people will 'accept' you your wasting your time. Trans-women are murdered practically everyday and so if they were making the transition so they would be more accepted in society they've wasted their time.I got their back but I feel sorry for them too. Besides my husband explained that he loved me just the way I was. Now let me explain, I'm not touting my marriage as the best and our relationship some troublefree paradise. But it's good to know that someone loves you regardless of anything else.

My Life; I'm a woman

Okay in this time of 'women's equal rights' and all that we all know of the 'real' womens social agenda trying to change the world so it will bend to their will. Well I have no part in that and the Lgbt community has their agenda trying to change the world so it will be okay for same sex couples all over. Okay I admit I do understand that one but I'm misunderstood myself and many others like me in the gay, lesbian, and transgender community. I mean you got those who say I want a 'manly' man, a real woman, and those who want to make the physical changes to their bodies in order to 'fit in'. Yes the gay and lesbian community is broken down into many subcultures with all of them fighting to be 'the culture' that it's all so confusing. And yes it can be. I stayed confused and insular for years afraid to admit who and what I was. Then I met someone, fell in love, and tried to keep the 'secret' even then.lol I mean, here I was living with a man, being seen around town in ultimate feminine wear, and hugging and kissing on him and I hoped to keep it secret. well I can still keep it somewhat secret online but really fuck it! The only one I haven't come clean to is my mother, and I probably never will. That's why I don't cast any judgement on the down low element in our community.
Well now I'm much older and things past and present have come together to let me draw one final conclusion; I'm a woman. Yes I'm aware of how that sounds  But I know how I feel, how I've felt for so long. My husband brought it out in me. You see, I'm not going to brag, for nothing good comes of bragging, but I will say I'm glad to call him my husband. I get love and affection I've rarely if ever got from anyone in years, and also understanding. We live in a world, especially in the African American segment, where people want to be understood for THEMSELVES but don't care to understand the next person! But they want love, appreciation, understanding, and empathy BUT DON'T WANT TO GIVE IT TO NOBODY ELSE! This is why my pool of friends is very very small, especially with other blacks! And this is why so many kill one another. Coz in most instances of black on black murders supposedly the two were friends or associates! Or boyfriend and girlfriend. And in the case of gay blacks they were lovers! A one sided affair is not a relationship and is an association with no love period! Coz two people have to love one another to call it a relationship, not one loving the other and the other not caring. That's what you find in a lot of Black straight and gay relationships. I have no use for fakirs or people with mental problems and so I don't allow them into my inner circle. If one slips through once I find out what they're about they are gone. You must be real not in that stupide street way, but 'for real' as in honest and genuine about who and what they are as people! And willing to change rather than justify their ignorant and roguish ways! And also when you find someone willing to work with you and who you can love and they love you back I think you need to cling to them. My husband used to ask me who I was, and I would look him right in the eye and tell him I am your girl! And he would kiss me coz' there was no doubt in my mind who and what I was in this relationship. I am his woman. What I call a faux woman. I'm not female physically and no I don't want to get that operation (though admittedly I thought about it for many many years) so called real women have such a problem with the role God created for them in this life. They think it's an affront to their dignity to cook clean take care of their kids or to conform to any womanly duties. I find that especially amongst Black women. Now there is a reason for that and that's because Black men have failed them on many fronts. We won't get into politics but there are too many scumbag black leaders out there. And then too Black men as a group have suffered long and hard under the yoke of an oppressive system.but our Black leaders haven't helped matters at all. Especially these bastards who constantly wanna promote the gospel of the streets! Ghettofabolos and all that bullshit. But even with this as usual black women have gone above and beyond what's reasonable and a lot of other women are following suit. Don't get me wrong women should be treated fairly, but they should be proud of the very very important relationship they play in a relationship and a family.
Women play an important role in keeping the household grounded and stable. Like my home I love getting up in the morning and making my husband's coffee or sometimes a light breakfast for him. I love keeping our apartment neat and clean, tending to his clothes, and cooking his dinner. Everyday I take him his lunch. No I don't fix it  but I go to his special place to pick it up for him. On more personal sides I love it when he takes control and sometimes even when he flogs me. That's personal stuff and into sex again.lol But he loves my skirts and dresses and nightgowns and I get to model it for him. Now don't get me wrong, our relationship isn't perfect! but if you want perfection in this life you need to wait til Jesus comes back. And yes I know I got some explaining to do.
But in my heart I am a woman coz' I do love my man and am proud to be his wife..

My Life; Sex

My husband and I just finished having sex...again! He's in the shower now and my turn will come up next. Generally we shower together but I need a breather from him for a few minutes. We have an awful lot of sex and it hasn't gotten boring but he punishes me good when we have it. I mean his huge white cock (yes I'm being kind of pornographic!lol) just fills my black man pussy up and he slams it in hard! Whew! he services me like a sledgehammer! and to keep it interesting we do do some kinky things. A lot of kinky things! Like once, one night he secretly videoed us having sex and posted it on line. Don't get excited, he made sure our faces didn't show nor put out any more relevant identification and I'll never tell. All I will say is it's a white guy fucking the shit out of a black guy and that black guy loving the hell out of it! Now I make a lot of noise when it's really good and I made a lot of noise. I'm almost embarrassed by it, but his big white cock was banging my black male pussy so damned good I don't care! And he loves this pussy and I give it to him whenever and pretty much whereever he wants it. We've slowed down some though and don't do the bathrooms or the movie theaters like we used to.lol But we still do some things. Like this past thanksgiving we were with his family and he decided he wanted me. So he promptly took me upstairs made me get undressed and fucked me right on his parents bed. All the time I have to get undressed completely. When we're out somewhere, unless it's a hotel room he may or may not get undressed.lol Well I was completely naked and he dropped his load in me and I had to figure out how to clean myself and get dressed again without anyone knowing what we did.lol As it is always, the woman (faux woman) has to deal with these things while he went back down and enjoyed his family gathering!lol And yes, it was a lot of fun! Then we got home and before we could get in the apartment, my clothes were off and I was begging him to hurry up and open the door before anyone saw me!lol He fucked the shit out of me again once we were inside. Many times he will take me right in the hallway! I mean, we stay in a very upperclass flat, and a couple of times we've been caught in the hallway, my clothes in a pile on the floor and my husband banging my male pussy right there in the corridor! I have to endure the embarassment coz' I'm completely naked and he just pulls out, zips up, and opens our apartment door. A woman (faux woman, so real women don't get an attitude!)goes through so much coz there I am butt naked and have to retrieve my pile of clothes and lemme tell you, they won't just walk away until I've gotten my clothes and got in. One time one of our neighbors asked if we wanted a threesome. I told him he'd have to talk with my husband about that and one night my husband sprung this on me and I had to cook for three and serve two men sexually! That was a tough but wonderful night! This was another white guy with a nice sized cock and they fucked me senselessly! I mean, I had to rest for an hour before I could get a bath! Generally I did showers, but my husband had to bathe me coz' I was too weak to stand in the shower!lol Once he got my nightgown on I was passed out in his arms, asleep! My bunghole hurt for two days, but I was fine! My male pussy can take some punishment! And I feel compelled to say this coz' the std and aids cases in the gay and bisexual community is to high; but be careful. My husband said part of the agreement for us having a threesome is he personally took our friend down to the health department here an they both got an hiv screening test. I wondered why he told me several days before to do down and get an aids test. At first I was offended coz' I assured him I had not been cheating again. But as a good woman does, I obeyed my husband he had a nice surprise for me that weekend. They've gotten so much better at testing for aids and much quicker too. So I personally advise, if you have someone who wants to fuck you raw, don't play russian roulette with your life, demand you two take an aids test TOGETHER!!! A lot of black guys have gotten good at finding places that will give them FALSE PAPERWORK as their proof that they went and got tested. Don't trust it nor them. You need to go TOGETHER and get tested and have sex that day once you get the results, coz' he might go out and have sex with someone who isn't that demanding but very much infected! So be leary and suspicious and demanding. It will save you a lot of heartache and grief coz hiv ain't nothing to play with! Yeah they got better medicines and better treatment, but trust me you don't want to go through all that. And understand please, I got lucky and ran into someone responsible and caring. A lot of others out there especially black guys, really don't give a fuck and will argue up and down with you that there's nothing wrong with them! Get away from them coz' they're no good. Oh, and my husband got lucky too, coz' he found a black guy looking for love, not just sex! Now you may be just looking for sex, but don't risk your life trying to have a one night stand! I mean, really. It's not often my husband invites others into our bedroom, but we saw our neighbor pretty regularly until he moved. About once a month. Of course I won't mention his name but he had a female wife and a kid, and so there you go. Not gonna' ruin his life. I think they moved to Texas or somewhere (no, I'm not gonna say for sure) but he called us over the holidays. He always wants to talk to me alone (my husband is always on the other end)and he tells me how much he misses my pussy!lol I told him I missed his cock and he was 'almost' as good as my husband. He claims in my honor he wouldn't take another lover coz' my pussy was the best! Yeah right, though oddly enough I did used to hear that a lot! When I was doing films I was asked for a lot coz' guys who had fucked me before enjoyed it so much, straight guys, they wanted me again!lol One guy years ago had asked me to marry him but I thought he was joking and really I didn't want to marry another porn star. I know it sounds funny but honey I didn't need that drama! But eitherway I wished my former lover well, and am kinda' glad it's just me and my husband again...at least for now. Whatever he wants as long as we're not hurting or killing anybody I pretty much will do coz' I'm pretty sure he wouldn't hurt me and I love him. I guess that's what people in love do.