My Life; Gay & Proud? no..Gay and Dealing With It

Now I know I will never be invited to ride a float in the Gay Pride parade.lol My convictions are so contrary to their purpose, that the lgbt community will never embrace me. Don't get me wrong, you'll probably see me at some of the events (not the Black ones in Atlanta) and I'm not totally anti-social. I'm still very religious and I'm well aware that the Lord of the Universe, the Big Guy doesn't like same sex relationships. We can gather together and proclaim our 'pride' all we want but at the end of this life's race, it's HIM we'll be seeing and have to answer to. Saying He doesn't exist won't help you then, so I prefer to save my life and not question Him. Others can feel the way they want.
I fell in love with someone and they happen to be of the same sex. Now don't follow this logic if you feel you've fallen in love with a dog or a rhinocerous, lol, but this is my story. But if you're feeling that way towards an animal, get help quikly. A priest a psychologist, your mommy, somebody.
I don't' know why and it's not my excuse, but I documented that I've had prolbems connecting with women. It's very strange being my father played around with the women frequently. But this is something that has always been with me. I don't suscribe to the idea that I was BORN gay, but maybe with more of a propensity for it. I remember when I was smaller, an older guy got on me for commenting on how good guys looked. He explained to me that guys don't do that. And no, I'm not mad at him, considering all the trouble I encountered later on. I was labeled a faggot for years, and I wasn't engaging in homosexual activity at the time. Had I been, I'd probably be dead. They didn't put up with that in the small towns I came from, so the guy did me a favor, coz I honestly didn't know any better. And oh I paid for my ignorance, for I was targeted for a beat-down often. Yes, I lived the life of many gay people, a victim of hatred and intolerance and constant incessant bullying. My high school years were a nightmare, and I hadn't per se COME OUT at all. I turned down many offers I might have taken coz' I was terrified of what would happen to me if it ever got out. I very carefully hid that side of myself for years until recently. I mean, if people noticed early on, my infatuation with Culture Club's Boy George should have been a hint. It was a hint for some people around me as they made me tear up things I had with Boy George on them. After that incident too, I knew I needed to be on my own. Because that aroused in me a hatred that I found unsettling.
But when I met my husband I have to admit I was very uncomfortable with it. I mean, I did films where I fucked a guy or got fucked myself (those are the ones that started this)but a lot of straight guys do gay films for the money. I mean, we'd fuck and we pretty much had no further contact afterwards. That didn't start for me until I bottomed out for a film and found I preferred it.  And you see, I was still telling myself I was straight and like the other guys, I was just doing this for money.  It's  like Jeff Stryker, he'll never admit he's really straight coz' he doesn't want to discourage his fan base, he is so good looking I don't know how that could happen, but he's really straight. And I thought that about myself. I mean, I'm not mad at him for he was just making a living. in a tough business. That's how I was until I met my husbband. I mean he refused to sleep with me our first date. But he insisted I wear this red dress he bought for me. Thinking he was just kinda' kinky I agreed.lol He spent the night kissing me and feeling me up, but then dropped me off at home and gave me a goodnight kiss. Not at all what I was expecting. He wanted more from me than a simple seual liasion and that kind of confused me. This was not generally how we did it, but he insisted on 'romancing' me.lol  This was not how many of uf us did it in the adult film biz. In fact many of tose guys simply were not gay or bi in any sense of the word. The newer ones in this, I think most of them are like me, Bi. I had an affair a few year ago with one of them, and he wanted a relationship with me.  I was confused at the time and was testing my husband basically seeing if he would beat me up, slap my face and leave me. I waited all night for that ass whuppin, but instead I get up the next morning and he serves me breakfast in bed. He very calmly asks me if I had a good time the other night, and I just knew I was going to have breakfast all over me! Nope. He didn't do anything. He didn't get me til six months later. I insisted!lol I couldn't take it anymore. There I went out and had a wild night with a handsome gay pornstar and he didn't even scream at me. I put a paddle in his hand and laid across his lap!lol And refused to move until he had settled this with me!lol Crazy, and tmi. He did settle it though. I was sore for two weeks. I knew there was some anger brewing inside of him. But I just laid there and took it. And no this was not abuse. It's just a way we 'mutually' settled an issue. I don't recommend it for everyone, coz it did hurt!lol
Eitherway I'm dealing with being gay for there are no women in the picture now. So I can't rightly say I'm Bi anymore, and my partner is definitely male. So I guess I've finally 'come out' . I'm gonna be frank, I didn't want to be gay. I've been taught all of my life that it was so wrong. But when I'm laying in my husband's arms at night, when he holds me and kisses me, when he tells me he loves me, it just feels so good! Plus I feel free to be me. I can wear a skirt, or a dress, or a nightgown and not be made to feel like a freak. And I never really had that with a woman. Never found that girl. But found a man, and trrust me in the gay world, it's harder. So don't get it mixed, but I have to admit I'm living the gay life now.  Now I have to find ways to deal with it, coz' I'm not young. No, youth stared at me from afar in my rear view mirror. Legally attached to someone of the same sex, what now?

My Life; Women

Now I think all of you who read my little series know my story. I never truly identified myself as gay but bisexual. Now I avoided the gay word for years for religious and other reasons. I've always been a rather 'aggressive' sort, well, I had to be. The environment I was in would eat you alive if they detected any 'softness'.  So I had to come out swinging everyday I got up. I never completely lost myself though, and that's probably why I was never really a success with women.
It just seems odd to me that women caterwaul about there are no 'good' men around, yet it would seem to me that a good man is the LAST thing they really want. I tried to treat women sensitively, with compassion, and understanding. I think you can guess where that got me. While every jerk I ever knew they all had one thing in common; they had plenty of girlfriends. Some of them even were the first to offer their sexual services to me. But I couldn't keep a girl hardly to save my life.
I am not too ashamed to admit that I pooped out in the dating game with women. Oh no, it wasn't that I was hiding my 'true self' I wanted to be with women. I got into adult acting because I wanted to meet plenty of women I could fuck, rather than playing their stupid games in the street and then at the end of the date not getting nothing, or finding out that the one who's supposed to be MY girlfriend was actually seeing somebody else and using me.That happened a lot. Especially with black women. One girlfriend after the next turned out to either be somebody else's girl or came with that bullshit about 'loving me' but not being 'in love with me'. Or if it was somebody who honestly loved me, I didn't really want them. Now those I'm sorry about. But it's just one of the weird things about life; the ones you want don't want you and the ones who want you you just honestly don't want them. That just says something about our human condition.
And no I'm not gay because I felt I was done wrong by women, or at least that's a very small part of it, but because I ran into somebody who loved me, I liked them, and they happened to be of the same sex. It actually took me a while to get over my reservations, but I finally decided to take a chance on happiness. I hadn't been happy in so long, and now I'm ecstatic. It's good to love somebody and that somebody loves you back. Rmember that song by Teddy Pendergrass?
I remember when I was in college I was crazy about a girl named Shirley. I pined for her for years but to no avail. But evidently I wasn't the only one coz' two dudes got to fighting over her and one of them killed the other. That's why when two dudes got to fighting over me some years ago, I sat them both down and told them I would stop dating both of them if they didn't stop fighting. I wasn't going to have any of that.
I have to admit though I started to get a bit disillusioned with women coz' treating them good didn't seem to help secure a relationship and I didn't want to treat them badly. My last girlfriend named Angie walked away from me years ago and told me I was a loser. Now she had five kids by five different men but I was the loser? Really? I never understood that one.
Eitherway, I'm happy now and hope they are all doing well. Now I don't ever want to see them again!lol But I do hope they are doing well.

My Life; Holidays

Okay, yesterday was not one of my better days. I was at home, didn't go anywhere, and was rather bored. I wish we had have went to a movie or something but we didn't. I mean, I was thankful yesterday finally ended and moved on to today. I'm finding that the older I get the less and less enthused I am with Holidays and it would seem the less I do. I used to get excited when Holidays came around years ago, now though I'm just not into it. I suggested next year maybe we should travel or something to make it more interesting or something because I'm just not feeling the giddiness or the excitement I used to feel around this time of year. Who knows why, but it just isn't there anymore; no I don't think I'm depressed, but maybe bored. I want to do something different, experience something different or what. It has been rather routine for a few years now and I would like some change perhaps. Because yesterday, I was just sooooo bored. Yes we ate, dinner was good, but afterwards nothing else to do. Nothing good on cable to watch, and nowhere to go. We just stood there and looked at each other until it was time for bed. Next year, I think we'll travel and spend Thanksgiving with our family or do something else interesting. I couldn't wait for yesterday to end. I mean, I'm not even looking forward to Christmas. Yes, I know it's kind of sad bur I think it's because I'm getting older and that's an adjustment. I was so used to being young with a long road ahead of me, now I just buried one parent and am a parent myself of grown kids.lol Yes, I'm getting old and youth is something that is no longer friendly towards me. I think we all get a little depressed when we finally figure out we've gotten older. lol I mean, I was looking at the death of David Cassidy and was kind of shocked. I mean, he wasn't very old and generally people who are well-off stick around a while. Yeah, I heard he had filed for bankruptcy, but his brother Shaun Cassidy is rich, and his other brother Patrick too, and I'm sure they would halp him if he needed it. They still haven't explained why his organs shut down on him like that. I suspect he was still using drugs, but they haven't said. Well at least my husband treats me like I'm still young.lol He's a great flatterer. lol
But I think I'm gonna' start suggesting we go out of town on holidays. Yesterday, was a very trying and laborious day.

My Life; Thankful

You know I look at all these people on these tv shows talking about they're thankful for this and that. But who are they thankful to? Nothing in this world happens by osmosis. It's carefully planned and thought out by a Master Intelligence. A Master Power. God, the Master of the Universe. So all of you out there giving thanks to the air, you need to give it to God. He's the One to br thankful to.  All of your blessings come from Him and you should acknowledge it. No matter what you're doing in your life, be thankful to God. I'm thankful to God for many many many things.
The Master of the Universe deserves praise all the time because all that you have comes from Him. I'm thankful to my Lord for my life, my health, my strength, my sanity, for the health of my family and the rest. I thank God for all of these things!

My Life: Birth of the Cool

My husband just got a 'jazz' album called 'Birth of the Cool' by Miles Davis. Now this album sounds pretty good, even though I'm no big jazz fanl. Sorry folks. But a friend of his was throwing out a lot of vinyl reords that he had collected over the years coz' it was taking up too much space and he had everything on his MP3 (yes we're old fashioned). Well naturally my hubby though this was a grand opportunity so he took them. Well in our home we have vinyl all over the place for we have an old fashioned hi-fi set that we absolutely love. He also  He got some other good ones too; the Box Tops, Madonna,  David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust an the Spiders From Mars, Dennis Brown (regga), Desmond Dekker and  the Israelites (reggae), and a bunch of other ones. He racked up on probably several thousand dollars worth of rare vinyls. Oooooo I see a Wham! album! Hell yeah! I loved Wham! and George Michael! Excuse me while I scream like the obsessed teenage fan I used to be! Yeeeeeeesssssssssssss! Thank you.lol
Now this album I see is the genesis for other 'cool' jazz players like Najee, or Kenny G, I rmember from the 80's. Everyone remembers Kenny G from the 80's 'Songbird'. Now I had that one. In fact it's rather interesting about that one. For while I was in the military, I met a fellow and we became really close friends. I mean, we just clicked and I never understood why. Didn't hurt that he was quite handsome but I wasn't as comfortable with my attraction to the same sex as I am now. Well one night, he was in my barracks, we were drinking, and I was playing my cassette of songbird on my boom box  (remember those?). Eitherway, we started goofing around and decided to dance together. While we were dancing he took me by the waist, pulled me close, and kissed me. My first instinct was to belt him, but we were aloner, the music was seductive, and we were dfrinking, so I just giggled and kissed him back. Next thing you know he was undressing me. I was just giggling and laughing with him. Then he took his clothes off, we wound up on the bunk and the next thing I knew his cock was inside me. I said something like 'dang, that hurts' and giggled. Then we just began having sex! We woke up in bed together naked the nest morning and immediately we were horrified at what we had done. You could get kicked out of the military for this back then so we were scared. We agreed to never do this again, and we didn't. Now we had a looonnnngggg passionate kiss before he went home on his last day in service, but we were too scared to do anything else. I mean, if my roomates had have just happened to come in, we would have been busted! Thanks Kenny G.
Well I'm laying here in my hubby's lap listening to this album. Now it sounds great, but I'm not sold on jazz per se. Sorry, just not a jazz guy. Some of it, maybe. Definitely gonna get Kenny G again. Sippin on some Jack and coke, coca cola not the real thinglol Gettin kind of drowsy, so we will be asleep soon. Got on my new sheer neglige.lol Yes, I've gottn plenty of attention tonite. Got it at the TThanksgiving office party his company threw today too. I know know why coz' I was wearing a kilt. Now kilts are for men. This was a special one for 'gay' men but it wasn't overly effeminate. But his co-workers were giving me the eye. I mean he doesn't hide the fact that he's in a same sex relationship,  I could see that some honestly don't like it (THEIR OPINION, THEIR RIGHT) and others gave me looks of 'interest'.lol And you know what I mean. No it wasn't my imagination. I'm pretty sure some of them had seen some of my movies and knew who I was.lol So what!
Eitherway, the music is carrying me away so g'nite all.

My Life;Work

Okay, I've written this one before but the boss took it down and I don't keep copies of my blogs. But I reported the last time that I have been an adult entertainer for a number of years, starring mostly in gay films, but now I'm in a committed relationship and so have to find something else to do. I was going to open a restaurant but we're moving to Mexico and my husband don't want me spending too much time away from home. And in Mexico there are things going on we have to respect. Can't open a restaurant there without 'certain people's' permission. And I'm not talking about the government. But we still may do it. I mean, we gotta live and make a living when we get there. They don't have much of a problem with same sex couples but it sill be different than living in the united states. Now, whdn sd  visited Greece I wanted to live there. Good thing we didn't for their economy fell to pieces. But it was such a lovely place. In our cabana we'd go out on the terrace nude and take a nap in the hammock.lol We weren't the only ones either. Such a lovely country I wish we could have stayed. But Mexico has it's pleasures. You just have to know what NOT to do. I won't get into that coz' one of the things you don't do is talk to much about what goes on there.
I've been an adult actor for so long that I'm kind of wondering what I'm gonna do now. Don't get me wrong, being an adult actor is not a piece of cake. I  mean it's kind of a tough way to make a living. Trust me, I'm not gonna' miss it; it's just what I know best after all this time. I started out with one goal in mind, to get laid ever day of the week. That didn't really happen, nd it's not really healthy. I began to see what Jeff Stryker was talking about; he only does a few movies a year or so so it won't wear him out. And he was vry careful with his money. Now I found doing gay films was more lucrative, and not as hard on me as doing straight films. Bottoms generally don't make much, but I guess I was so good at it, I could demand more money. It was just by happenstance coz' I started off as a top. Then on one film the director asked us to switch, and I found out that day I liked, no loved, playing the role of the woman. I mean, me and that guy gave such a performance that the director shot us again and paid us extra.. I mean, he fucked me soooo good, that I made an about face even in my personal life. Me and that guy dated for two years and I cried when we broke up. Well after than, I found out firsthand that  being Black and gay was not the most ideal situation to b in, especially if you're loking for someone Black to be with. Black gays are generally horrible people to deal with, and  I don't know why that is but that has been my experience. I mean I'm not that way, but ooohhhhhhhh so many are. I know I'm gonna' catch hell for this one, but my experience has been my experience. I mean, I've been stabbed in the back, betrayed, lied on and even worse by other Black gays. That's why I opened myself up to others; that's how I finally met my husband.I mean, this was my experience and so that's all I can go by..
But I think I'll hvd to find something ele to do, coz' the last film I did a few weeks ago whoa! That guy had a monster cock and it just wasn't a good experience. I know most like a really big cock, but I guess it's time for me to call it quits. I used to really enjoy my work but now, the only one I want to give myself to is my husband. Never felt that way before. It used to be the more the merrier. Now I like quiet dinnrs, walks in the park, movie nights, and evenings at home.lol Yes, getting older is an adjustment. Staying up all night partying just isn't fun anymore, though for some people who wanna feel like they'll stay young forever they push themselves to continue. No, when you get older you're supposed to make better decisions, and so I will others can do as they please.
But for my fans out there, this flick oming out will probably be my last and so enjoy it.  I sure didn't.

My Life; Affection

My husband says that I'm the most needy bastard he knows.lol He might be right. Coz whenever he gets home I fall into his arms giving him hugs and kisses. He never gets tired of it to his credit and he always gives me plenty of love back. You see that's what's different about our relationship as opposed to many other same sex relationships amongst men; most of theirs' is revolved around sex; ours is more about love. We love each other and the need to show this love stays with us. I mean we love sex, but we love love more. Now for me I don't know I guess my desire for a closer relationship with my father drives me. Oh my father is dead, but while he lived he never gave me the love and support I needed. He went into a coma and never woke  back up. I hoped that he would and that we could try again. I wanted to hug him, to have a beer and talk, I wanted him to tell me he loved me and it be believable. Oh h told me before that he loved me, but I didn't believe him. He said it coz' he thought it was what I wanted to hear. It didn't come from his heart. I'm not sure he had one. But this is TMI
I have to admit, I'm the gay version of Donna Reed, for those of you who remember Donna Reed, waiting for my husband by the door when he gets home, get my hug and kiss and ask him how was his day.lol Yes we live the charmed life.lol No we have our problems sometimes, but we dont't stay mad long. It's hard to fight naked. lol We can find other things better to do.lol Eitherway,I definitely need affection. Sometimes at night I just bury my face in his massive chest and just weep. About what? Everything. Sometimes the world just gets to you. And you need a big strong man to throw his arms around you and tell you that everything will be alright. A husband, a friend, a father. Gets deep don't it.lol
Well now he's home and I'm sitting on his lap after we just finished dinner, and I finished the kitchen.lol Yes this is so Donna Reed. We're supposed to have some guests coming ovr so w're saving dessert and coffee for them. My hubby does like to entertain guests nd to show off his old stuff. We have an old fashioned hi-fi set and lots of 33 rpm's.  Right now we're playing the Ramones and when our guests get hre I'm throwing on the Busboys American Worker lp.lol YHes we're different. You'd think we'd have a lot of jazz, but neither of us really like jazz or classical music. Mostly 70's rock and 80's stuff. But right now I'm just enjoying his arms around me making me feel like everything is alright.lo. Yes, so Donna Reed.